Bets With Cana
by lady lutka
Summary: When Natsu loses in a bet against Cana, what could possibly go wrong? /bro!fic/


**summary: When Natsu loses a bet with Cana, what could possible go wrong? crackfic/bro!fic  
notes: i realllllyyyyy couldn't help myself.  
** **disclaimer: I own nothing (as per usual gihi)  
**

* * *

 _ **Bets With Cana  
**_

* * *

"Is she gone?"

"No."

"How 'bout now?"

"She's still there, firebrain. Has been for the last ten minutes."

"…How 'bout n—"

" _Fucking shut up_."

"Geez! Quieten down before she hears you!"

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"Am I laughing? Because _usually_ that means I'm not being serious."

"I'm going to fucking kill you one day. I swear to god—"

"The fuck are you two princesses doing?"

Natsu and Gray both screamed rather girlishly, whipping around with fists raised. Gajeel raised an eyebrow at the two.

"Uhh, we were… um, shopping?"

Gray rolled his eyes, punching Natsu on the arm. "Ignore this idiot," he said to Gajeel.

"Oi! You wanna go?!"

The sound of a fist striking flesh once again sounded in the dark. "Shut up!"

Gajeel observed the two as they began slapping at the others chest. This continued for the next two minutes until Gajeel finally cleared his throat. "I'll ask again. What are you two doing?"

Natsu and Gray stopped long enough to send the man an odd look.

"What's it look like?" Natsu asked rather obnoxiously.

Gray face-palmed. "Fucking dumbass. Do you even realise how dodgy we look right now?"

"Right. Well, I'm glad at least one of you knows how idiotic you look. Y'know, if I were still in the council, I would arrest your asses on the spot for stalking."

Gray had to scoff at that. "Praise the fucking lord you're not still in it then."

Gajeel raised a hand to his chin, stroking the stubble thoughtfully. "If I wanted to, I could go back anytime."

"Really? Why are you still here then? I'm sick of looking at your metal face."

"I'd watch it if I were you, popsicle. You're treading on thin ice."

Gray stood up, shirt fluttering away in the wind. "Oh yeah? How about I freeze your ass to that ice?"

"Tch, like you could even come close enough to—"

"Guys, guys! She's gone! C'mon, before she comes back!" Natsu all but screamed at the two, grabbing their arms and launching them through the open window above them.

Gray and Gajeel crashed in a heap on the carpet, foreheads painfully banging together.

"Watch it!"

"What the fuck is in your head?! Don't tell me you replaced your brain with a lump of steel because that is fucking sick, even for you."

"Both of you shut up!" Natsu screeched as he sailed through the window, landing nimbly on top of a conveniently placed coffee table.

"Why am I even here? I don't want any part of whatever sick scheme you're thinking up."

"Yeah, ass flame. What's the deal?"

Natsu ignored them, pacing around Lucy's apartment with a frown. He began rifling through her draws, pulling each one out and dumping the contents on the carpet. Gray and Gajeel watched him with alarm.

"You're gonna pick that up, right?" Gray deadpanned, jaw dropping when Natsu used a pair of black lace panties as a bandana.

"No."

"Oi, Salamander! Has all that fire you snort finally fried your brain?"

"No," Natsu continued rifling through the assorted clothing items on Lucy's carpet, nose wrinkling. "Ew, what the fuck is that?"

Gray leaned over Natsu to get a better look at the item. "I believe that is called a 'what the fuck are you doing'."

"No, that's actually a thong. But whatever. Why are you lookin' through bunny girl's shit anyway?"

"Because," Natsu hissed, eyes crossing rather hilariously as he stared at the string dangling from his fingers, "I lost a match with Cana."

Gray started laughing. "Are you that stupid to try and outdrink _Cana_?"

"No! Well, yes. I mean no! Look, I thought I could handle it, alright?"

Gajeel, in a slightly horrified voice, whispered, "Your brain really _is_ fried."

Natsu slammed Gajeel with a fiery kick to the stomach. "No, it ain't!"

Gray furiously wiped his face. "Okay, can you stop your flirting and tell me what this has to do with Lucy?"

"Well…"

"Well?" Gray repeated, completely oblivious to the scowl on Natsu's face.

"We sorta made a bet. If I won, she had to steal Bacchus' earrings. And if she won… gah! This is so embarrassing!" Natsu began to repeatedly slam his head against the wall, each _thump_ making Gray wince.

"What did the wall ever do to you?" Gajeel shook his head at Natsu's blatant disrespect.

"Fucking hell flamebrain. What did Cana bet you?"

"IhavetostealLucy'sfavouritepanties," Natsu mumbled into the carpet.

"Um, maybe try speaking words. _Individual_ words."

"I have to stealLucy'sfavouritepanties."

Gajeel looked over to Gray with a smirk. "Should we beat it out of him?"

Gray returned the look. "Best idea you've had all night."

" _I have to steal Lucy's favourite panties_!"

Gray blinked. Gajeel coughed into his hand.

Finally, they spoke. "That it?"

Natsu averted his gaze to the floor. "No…"

"Oh."

"I gotta steal her favourite bra too…"

"Seriously?" Gray laughed aloud, shaking his head. "That's nothing! Geez, look at you. Practically fucking pissing yourself."

"Salamander, I don't think your face is meant to be that colour," Gajeel added, watching Natsu's face slowly turn purple with mild interest.

"There's more…"

Gajeel snorted. "Realllly now? What, you gotta take her favourite pair of socks too?"

"I gotta put 'em on and give Cana a lap dance," Natsu grumbled.

Gray blinked. Gajeel coughed into his hand.

Then all hell broke loose.

"OH SHIT! OH MY FUCKING GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW, FLAMEBRAIN?!" Gray managed to scream through his laughter.

"SALAMANDER IN _LINGERIE_?! IS REEDUS IN TOWN? THIS IS FUCKING GOLD!" Gajeel immediately dived into the pile, fishing through the lace and cotton for a matching pair.

Gray joined the hunt, rejects flying over his shoulder at a rapid pace. Natsu sat back and watched the pair with a scowl, teeth bared.

"You've passed her favourite pair at least six times by now," Natsu muttered, reaching around Gray to pluck a lacy red bra and matching panties off the floor.

Gajeel paused in his sorting, cocking a brow. "And how would you know?"

"She changes in front of me," Natsu shrugged nonchalantly, stuffing the red lace in his pocket.

"She _what_?!" Gray screeched, tugging Natsu closer by his collar.

"Don't touch me!"

" _Lucy_ willingly gets changed _in front of you_?" Gajeel deadpanned, crossing his arms. "I don't buy it for a second."

"No, of course not. She doesn't know I'm there."

Gray's face turned red. "You _spy_ on her?" he seethed.

Natsu's eyes widened. "What?! No way! She takes off her clothes as soon as she walks through the door! Doesn't even bother to look if anyone's inside!"

"Maybe 'cause it's _her_ apartment."

Gray shoved Natsu away with a disgusted growl. "You sick fuck. Don't you have your own house?"

"Well yeah, but it ain't got no Lucy."

"What's that even supposed to mean?!"

Gajeel held Gray back from punching Natsu. "Don't indulge him, you idiot. He's tryin' to get out of putting on the panties."

Gray chuckled darkly, eyes glinting in the dark. "That's right. Off you go, ass flame. Time to get suited up."

"Fuck you, ice princess."

"Just hurry the hell up, Salamander. I've got shit to do."

"Yeah, your right hand," Gray muttered.

"Shut the fuck up before I staple you to a wall."

"Will you two princesses stop flirting?" Natsu mimicked their earlier words, slamming the bathroom door shut.

A minute passed in relative silence, until the moaning began.

"Ohshitohshitohshit, my dick _is not_ meant to go that way! Gah! Alright I got it—wait, nope. WHERE DO I PUT MY BALLS?!"

Gray couldn't breathe. Gajeel was just as well off. Tears ran down both their cheeks as they choked on their own laughter, slamming their hands on the nearest surface.

"GUYS, FUCKING SHUT UP! I THINK I BROKE SOMETHING."

"You can't break your dick, dumbass," Gray panted, wiping at his wet cheeks.

"It's possible," Gajeel hummed, getting off the floor and throwing himself on Lucy's couch.

" _You_ would know."

"I GOT IT! I FUCKING GOT IT! FUCK YOU, LACE!"

"What about the bra?" Gray asked with a snicker.

"SHIT!"

"Do you even know how a bra works?" Gajeel wondered.

"I do actually. Thank you very much for your concern, asshole."

The bathroom door slammed open to reveal Natsu, very pink and barely covered. The red bra stretched across his chest comically, the lace torn around the sides. The panties however…

"Where _the fuck_ did your dick go?" Gray asked in astonishment.

"I don't know."

"Good choice, Salamander. Red brings out your eyes," Gajeel guffawed, laughing all over again.

Natsu crab walked back into the bathroom and quickly pulled his clothes on top of the lingerie number. "Let's just get this shit over with already."

 ** _. . . . ._**

"I think my balls popped out again."

"That's great," Gray said dryly.

"No, this isn't good. They're _chafing._ "

"Oho! Salamander knows big words!"

Natsu growled. "Imma give you two seconds to shut the fuck up. If you haven't by then I will kick your ass halfway across Fiore."

Gray rolled his eyes. "Both of you calm down. We're here."

Gajeel chuckled and slammed the doors open. "SALAMANDER'S GONNA PUT ON A SHOW FOR US!" he declared to the dumbfounded mages remaining in the hall.

At the bar, Cana began laughing her ass off. "Get over here, Natsu! Or are you gonna back out?"

Natsu snorted and walked to Cana's side. "As if I would back out."

"REEDUS!" Gajeel yelled over the guild chatter, "GET SET UP TO PAINT THIS SHIT!"

Gray rolled his eyes and walked over to Mira. "Get the camera out."

"What? Why?"

Gray quickly explained, watching as Mira's face lit up.

A couple seats down, Cana stood up and sashayed over to Natsu. "How 'bout a demo? I know for a fact that you have no idea what the hell you're doing."

"Yep."

Cana snorted and positioned herself. "First off, you're gonna touch them a little. Like a welcome, 'kay?"

Natsu grunted, watching with lifeless eyes as Cana's fingers fluttered over his chest and up the side of his neck.

"Now the fun begins. Get on their lap and go wild. I'm sure you know what I mean by that."

Natsu grunted again, standing up with a heavy sigh. "Here goes nothing."

Cana sat down on his empty seat—and promptly fell off when Natsu stripped his coat off. "YOU ACTUALLY PUT ON THE BRA?!"

"Have I ever done anything half-assed?"

The half of the guild not rolling on the floor in laughter all mumbled a deadpanned "Yes."

With a snort, Cana ripped his pants off.

The guild went quiet. And then, much like at Lucy's apartment, everyone lost their shit.

"THE PANTIES TOO?!"

"Oh dear, Natsu. That doesn't look comfortable."

"Aren't those Lu-chan's?"

"YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, SHRIMP!"

Natsu scowled. "Alright, alright. Everyone here has seen me naked at least once before. There ain't much difference."

Cana somehow managed to pull herself back on her chair. "Forget the lap dance. Strike a pose instead!"

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me! And I want them pin up!"

With a scowl and a glare, Natsu stuck out a hip and stiffly bent his arms back. He held it for a few seconds before moving to the next. He squatted down and pushed his chest out—the lace ripped further—and kept his hands in front of his junk.

"Duuuude, Lucy is gonna kill you," Gray winced and watched in horror as the red lace completely ripped.

"Yeah well, I'll buy her a new one," Natsu seethed through clenched teeth.

"Less chit-chat! More pin up!" Cana yelled at the two boys, waggling her finger threateningly.

Just as Natsu was settling into the classic sexy kitty pose, the guild door burst open. "I'm back!"

Natsu's eyes widened in horror. Well, shit.

"Hm? What's everyone laughing at?" the familiar voice creeped closer and closer.

"Welcome back, Lucy!" Mira called form the bar, eyes glinting.

"Oi, Lucy! Over here!" Cana screamed at the blonde, bursting into a fresh peal of laughter.

Before Natsu could even hope to scramble away, Lucy was directly in front of him. "Uh, h-hey Luce… funny seeing you here…"

Lucy's face paled at the sight before turning an unhealthy red. "Natsu?" she seethed, eyes shadowed and lips pursed.

"Y-yeah?"

" _Why are you wearing my favourite panties_?"

"Y-you see there's a perfectly good explanation… um i-it's nothing bad…"

" _Why is my favourite bra in two pieces_?"

"W-wrong cup size?" Natsu stuttered.

With a deep growl and a whirl of blonde hair, Lucy launched herself at Natsu.

"OHHH SHIT! TWENTY JEWEL ON BUNNY GIRL! SALAMANDER DON'T STAND A CHANCE!"

"Lucy! Wait! Lemme explain—OUCH WOMAN! NOT MY HAIR!"

"I've heard enough, Natsu!"

"Cana, fifty on Lucy!"

"N-no, please! It was because of a bet! I swear—STOP SCRATCHING ME! CANA THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Shut up, Natsu! Do you even realise what you've done?! Do you know how hard it is to find the _perfect_ bra?! Have you no consideration _at all_?!"

"Well, no—wait! OUCH!"

One Lucy-Kick later and Natsu was out cold on the second floor, lying amongst timber rubble with his legs hanging out the large hole in the balcony.

Lucy whipped around and pinned a deadly glare on the grinning Gray and Gajeel. "Who's next?"

The rest of the night was spent with Lucy mourning her lingerie—while the other guild members struggled to extract Gray and Gajeel from the furniture.

 ** _._**

 ** _._**

 ** _._**

 ** _fin_**


End file.
